Final nail in the coffin of my photo career?

Paul, don't quit unless you really want to. I understand the money problem, i think we all suffer from that ( at least i do), but why don't you try doing something related our not with photography that pays some good money and stay on the PJ area the same. I don't want to tell you what to do with your life, because sometimes i can't even decide what to do with mine, but i'm afraid that a total new job won't let you too much time for your own projects, and if you do it with regret, you will be sad all the time... Maybe try something less atractive, like weddings and such stuff. maybe producer work. something that you can do but won't take you most of the week and leaves you time for some PJ work, that after sometime will be more and more and you can let the other works down,,, that's only a sugestion, i also have a kid so i understand very well your problem. My best,

I've always admired those who can be full-time shooters, as in reality the money that is floating around at the moment is shocking. My day job funds the photography job; without that there is no way in hell it would work. So far i'm spending 5000 pounds on fashion/beauty shoots in order to get my book up to the standard that editors require, and yet i'm no where near reaching what the industry wants to see. I have been offered a shoot tomorrow, it's costing me 100 pounds for the studio, 150 for the stylist and 144 for equipment hire and yet i'm doing this as a test shoot. This industry has managed to get work done for free, and that has become the standard It's a catch 22 situation really. Paul, good luck to you, I know it's hard to do the day job when all you want to do is shoot

I also came to the same conclusion about 6 months ago .With my wife working to support my Dream I was then asked by APPLE Mac to do a shoot for IPHOTO and Imovie Just from them seeing my home page.No conection No power and I was working a part time job Their job gave me the money to update to digital and pay some of my loans I look back and at that time and realize I started to do only what I wanted and enjoyed photography again also had time to upload my site Got back to what i had started to do. STILL ALIVE Take a step back and do what you want Dont make it final but a pause

Hey Paul,

I’m sorry to hear that. I know exactly how you feel though. I, too, decided to take another tack and am in the process of returning to school... for nothing to do with photography. I've been in the industry for 12 years and have a pretty decent resume (Kodak, Time, People) but finding freelance shooting work and/or full-time editing work has proven difficult, to say the least. I'm not completely giving up and will continue to shoot part-time and send my resume out whenever it makes sense, but inaction is no longer an option. My daughter just insists on eating!

Anyway, I feel your pain.

Best of luck to you.

Paul, I have two kids, 9 & 6, I worked for 9 years as an engineer, well paid job. My kids, as their parents, are as spoiled as any North American middle class (lower I guess) family. For these 9 years I was miserable, I got more and more distant from my children, I got edgy, I got depressed. Finally, I started to have physical symptoms, loosing the control of my left side, end up in emergency room few times thinking that I have a stroke… Turns out all to be psychosomatic. I got depression and insomnia. I was no good to anybody. 7 months later I’m still recovering. But now I wake up with a purpose, I do what I like (with no money in sight), I have time for my children and they love me for that. We are family again. Sorry if I reveal too much of a personal stuff here… Before you take that step, just think twice. Your kids, or mine, don’t need $60000 dollars, they need HAPPY parents. If you can combine the two great, if not, Happy is more important than any $ number. Your unhappiness cannot be hidden from the children no matter how much you try. They are too smart for that. And if you end up getting a job you don’t like, and end up being unhappy, do not ever allow your kids to feel guilty for that. Well-paid job, if you don’t enjoy doing it, is a trap. And one with a long-term consequences. All the Best,

_"Your kids, or mine, don’t need $60000 dollars, they need HAPPY parents."_ Paul, You know your life best and I'd never tell anyone what they should do, but I have to agree with Velibor! My brother-in-law works all hours to buy all the goodies he thinks his kids need, but as a result he is stressed all the time and never actually spends any time with the kids. My 8 years old nephew is starting to resent it and often complains that his dad is never there, I think he'd much rather just have his dad spend some time with him! I think though that modern parents are under so much pressure and get too fixated on being the best parent by providing 'things'. One of the happiest kids I know is the son of a friend of mine, she is a single parent, does the job she loves (photography) and so is happy and not stressed, she never has much money, but she does have time to give to her son. He doesn't have a tv in his room, or a computer or a playstation, or any of the other stuff that ad agencies tell kids they need, but he a very happy, well adjusted kid.

Paul, I read your posts regularly and also like your work. But me liking your work means little. I made a decision to stay in the boring aerospace business and do photo projects on the side. (even if its street shooting) My job takes me out of the country so I have opportunity. Maybe it will amount to something someday. My regrets are that I in some way contribute to the degradation of humanity through this aerospace stuff. It really sucks. The only things that save me from the "job" are the photo projects and hiking my ass off around the mountains here. Sure I would like to pursue the humanitarian photography projects full time. Hey, the wife and I live cheap here in Oregon. With the rising costs of health insurance and everything else $60K is not a lot to raise a family. I doubt there are extravigants built into that. While I am just a nobody in this business, I really appreciate and support your honesty. Just keep shooting! Best wishes Paul

Paul T., this doesn't have to be an either/or. Plenty of us here (myself included) work day jobs to pay the rent while shooting on the side. It's quite liberating, I must say, not to have to earn a living with a camera. I can work on my own projects, on my own time, in my own way. I have total freedom to do what I want. If I were a staff shooter somewhere, I wouldn't make enough money to be able to pursue my own work anyway, so what would be the point? I'm interested in photography only to pursue my own projects, not to be a hired gun. I really can't shoot things that don't interest me anyway. If you find a day job that is somewhat flexible, provides more than 2 weeks vacation, and pays reasonably, if not lucratively, you may find yourself perfectly content. Your photography career is different from your wage earning--if you were a novelist, no one would employ you to write.

Paul, for what it's worth I've always admired your work and think it a shame if you were to quit... it would be a waste of good talent. All I can do is to echo what has been said here by others. Step back if you must but don't give up. J-F

Paul This is the most thought provoking thing I have ever read on LS. You have my total respect for your honesty. I will second what Velibor and Nicola said about the trappings of material wealth and providing for your children. We all go through bad times financially but it's just money. As long as the children are healthy and happy that’s it, what else is there! I have 3 young children who have for better or worse 2 loving parents. We don't supply portable TV's in the bedroom or give in to demands for such things because they do not demand. Spending real time with them is so much better. We sit at the same table when we have dinner, no TV interruptions and they are encouraged to share willingly. Whatever you do I wish you the very best. Mark

paul,i totally agree with velibor,nicola and mark.children need your time,attention and love.if the place or society you live in places too much emphasis on the material trappings,then move.you will be doing yourself and them a favour.and if the snotty,hard-arsed photo editors of new york don't like your warm,humane and very witty photographs,then f*ck them,it's their loss.

Paul - I can entirely sympathise with you. I have two kids and understand the financial pressures of putting food on the table, and especially of providing medical insurance for the family. The cause of many many personal bankrupcies is an unexpected medical emergency. I consider myself to be fairly lucky in that I have a stable teaching position which provides for necessities and insurance. If you don't mind a bit of unsolicited advice, you might want to try teaching in NY schools, public or private. You'll get health insurance and time to work during the summers. The work's pretty tough during the academic year (my brother was a public school teacher) but you do have the summers.

Paul, I hope things resolve in a positive fashion for you..I am yet to discover how challenging all this is, so my words may not hold weight with you, but I want to point out something, and please excuse me if you don't find this appropriate. My intention is to offer a very common approach for shifting direction when it isn't moving as you'd like. If you were to look at the energy of your words above, you have .."can't, failure, inability, hate, loath, extreme difficulty, screw up". My reason for drawing attention to this is that maybe you can literally rewrite for yourself about the aspects that you love, enjoy, are passionate about, find nourishing, etc. Then maybe you will be able to gain a window on how you fit in this outer world of photography. I for one believe our energy flows in the direction of our thoughts and words. peace brother..

Paul, I'd forgotten that you'd moved to the US...maybe a move back to Ireland is in order, at least then you wouldn't need to worry about all that medical insurance stuff! You may now live in the 'Land of the Free' but it doesn't sound like it is, at least in financial terms! Medical cover for you and your kids (along with the basic pension) is yours, here in the UK, for the price of a Class 2 national insurance contribution (a flat rate of £2.10 per week). The NHS may not be perfect, but at least they don't land you with a big bill if you need treatment. I can't imagine things are much different in Ireland or elsewhere in the EU (except on the European mainland they generally have better hospitals than the UK). What ever you decide, don't give up your photography altogether, you are too good to do that!

Hi Paul, Strangely enough I find myself in the same position as you and I know it is frustrating as fuck. All I want to do is shoot images that hopefully will make a small difference on this third rock from the sun. However all the fucking editors etc. that holds the purse strings obviously don't give a hoot about that? It’s all about overheads and budgets and petrol for the bosses overpriced 4X4. I also have two kids to support or should I say there are two children (three if you include me) in the family that my wife is supporting while I try and make a go of this. Life is a strange old thing, this time last year I was heading for Amsterdam to collect my World Press Photo Award, thinking to myself how my life was going to change. Well change it did, I went from earning good money and shooting great images to about 3 decently paid gigs in 8 months and shooting like crap! Somehow methinks these are connected  For the last three months I have been designing websites to get by and if I shot 10 images it would have been a lot, I found that I was making every excuse in the book, why I could NOT go and cover an event, no-one is going to buy it so it is wasting money (that was my favorite one). Yesterday I seriously considered giving it all up and going back into web design full time, FUCK THAT! My wife and kids have invested so much in my life as a photographer that it would not be fair to them to give it up. They deserve better than that, so I am going to have another go at it, not sure how I am going to make any money just yet, BUT I am going to try my best. I am not really a religious person, but I do believe that I have this talent for a reason and I’ll be damned if I let it go to waste. I really hope that things come right for you because I can feel your passion for photography burning through the laptop screen. PASSION! In the four years that I have been a working photographer, the most important photographic lesson that I ever learnt is passion. If you don't have passion while you are making your images, you will never tell the story they way that it you want to tell it. There are thousands of really great photographers in the world, but only a handful that really tell the stories. Passion - don't ever loose yours mate.

Paul:

This is not failure. It’s a call for adjustment and change, but not failure.

I have a young son and have been close to leaving photography for almost 2 years. I look for work, but in doing so I’ve found the following issues: The sort of jobs that I qualify for in the area don’t start at much better pay than my modest freelance income provides; taking a full-time job increases the need for expensive day care, negating any income advantage from most available full time work (my baby’s mama is a grad student, we juggle our time with the kid); kids bare the weight of their parents baggage…I saw my own bright and dutiful father plug away at work he couldn’t stand for the sake of the family with increasing tension and depression until he was suicidal. I felt his troubles profoundly as a kid. (Dad opted for an early retirement at 50, for a pension that many would find unlivable…a fraction of what he would have received if he had waited 4 years. He is a happy and jovial man these days with zero regret about his income.) I am willing to take a part time job that is flexible for my freelancing or something that I have the potential to enjoy…but never something that consumes too much of my time and happiness. That is for my son’s sake as much as it is for mine.

My parents understand this well, and have been relaxed and supportive of my photo career. Her folks are different, they've sent emails telling me “it’s time you get a job” with the cons of self employment outlined beside the pros of working for someone else, and requests for my bookkeeping records! Outside pressure can be overwhelming when you have kids, and self employment only magnifies this pressure. Plan around the basics with quality kid time on top...you have the talent and passion, if you can keep your overhead low and your budget simple, photography can still be a great way to craft a simple and balanced life. NYC looks like a brutal place to be a freelancer...are there other places that might offer a better cost of living/work balance? You’ve got talent and passion, there’s got to be a way to make it work.

Your honesty has obviously touched many of us here...a lot of us have been through similar stress...

My son just brought me a ball, I've got to go play. Chin up brother! You'll find a way!

Paul, no reason a job should get in the way of what you are doing.....we take pictures because we have too, and if you don't, so what? This business has become so hyped up as the quality of work and opportunities falls......many very talented and once successful people are right behind you. The important thing is that you tried, and continue to try. As Mark says, right now I can tell you that NY is no place to be.....its impossible as it seems that every photographer wants to come and work there although there is not much to do, really.

Paul, frankly, I'm moved by your words and the situation. I don't have enough experience to suggest anything, but I can surely say this - You'll find a way. Keep the faith. A change in primary income source is fine... don't call it a failure! Please, don't give up!

Paul: give up photographing (it is no more nor no less important than any other part of our lives) if in fact you have wearied and divested yourself and life of a camera. Turn your back (i can in a clipped moment, easily) on that which you have done if it has begun to leave your body and your bones and your life. But IF YOU leave photography only because you are stranded (a miserable condition indeed) financially and emotionally and spiritually because of the soul-stamping frustration that you've experienced, and you will in fact have abandoned, truly, your wife and children! The moment to toss away those parts permanently which have created you, the moments you've sod'd off that clayey material of which you are composed, the moment you've piss'd away the sooty-stain that has carbonized your meaty spirit, toss away forever, will be the moments, later, your children and this passing life will haunt you ferociously........ Though being a father and husband (or mother and wife, or partner and parent) is a continued, lasso-whipping nightmare of exhaustion and sacrifice and difficulty, I can assure you (yes, i too am a husband and father) your children and your wife need your, need your biting wit and your dangled laughter and your clicking chip to breathe and cook life into them. Being a photographer is fucking hard, just as being a writer or banker or businessmen or waitress or mailman or chef or even Magnum Associate (yo, Vink ;)) ), and nothing you can do but with the hornery blessing of fucking fickle life and luck to re-write this disappearing and maddening life but to bloody swallow and breathe and charge and taste it. Though earning more money (i hear y'all) might make things feel/seem easier and christ allmighty, i too fucking drip through drab days of sorrow wondering how the fuck im going to pay for Dima's (my son's) college, a hack artist like me (car-less, mortgaged-home less, etc), but it cannot nor will it not ever cover the boil and abcess that will stain your spirit if you turn your back on the one good think you feel you have committed (after your family) your life to. All of us know that the sacrifice of family is first and settles often hard, just as the frustration of trying to make a living from this kind of profession is cascadingly soul-sapping, but trying to re-adjust your life does not mean throwing away that bubble which bloody-hell burst inside you some time ago and made you the fuck you are, right? You OWE your children NOT to give up on photography until the day you either decided that it doesnt live inside you or the day the sea sweeps your back into her...... If you need more income, yes find something to help augment your income. TRY TEACHING!!! Also, if you most do other things to survive (commercial photography, website building, teaching photography seminars, shooting weddings, working in a bookstore), do it. I totally understand the enormous pressure, especially living in Manhattan, to survive...and struggle similarly. But, you do have options..... My wife and I struggle: imagine, a house of 2 artists....and moreover, my wife an immigrant from Russia, an even more profound struggle with jobs and identity and language, is continually haunted by this nearly impossible scrambled square-dance: how to earn money for the family and continue to make things and survive as an artist: emotionally, spiritually, practically...It is an impossible dance without solution, but for those few who have been blessed with fortune. However, I agree with Erica: YOU MUST RE-WRITE YOURSELF!....you must understand that NO you might not achieve the life as a photographer that you dreamed of, but that YES you are going to create the life that you must for yourself and your family. .... Lightstalkers, frankly, often depresses the fuck out of me.....so much arrogance, so much bravado, so many delusions (self and otherwise): so many people clammering to be "great" to be "known" to be "understood" to be like their idols: HCB, Frank, Arbus, Nachtwey, Moriyama, Dovchenko, Evans, Bravo, Capa, Cameron, etc, etc, etc, etc...when the truth is much simpler. .... Most of us are fucking scared and stressed and overworked and underpaid and grayer fatter wearier sadder, less successful than we wish to admit, dumber, more boring, sillier....dreamers amid the scar'd skies....and yet, we are all here for a simple truth: we don't know and we're telling stories and we need each other and we are nothing without each other and we shall disappear like sage along the arroyo dust.... I want to, human to human, tell you to fucking persist. DO WHAT YOU MUST TO MAKE YOUR FAMILY SAFE AND HEALTHY AND HOUSED AND FED! Make sure your children know you and touch you and fuck you over and make your angry: be imperfect and angry and there so that they know you are real....ask a child if he care's if his dad is Henry Cartier Bresson and that child will reply: who the fuck is that??.....as I child who that hunger for the most and they (even when they're angry drunken teens) will tell you their parents and their siblings..... if you must work in a company, do it and continue with your work. if you change careers, do it and continue to photograph. The truth is Paul most photographers dont have a clue what they are doing or why but they continue to do it, for whatever bloody reason. I tell my wife every day that I never want her to surrender her work as an artist, even when most of the time she (and I as well) spend our days working and planning and surviving (we're both teachers and writers too)..... if you can't make $$ as a fulltime photographer anymore (i totally understand, its a horrorshow here too), then i think a guy like you should teach: in school or teach English or teach photography.....and new york is not the center of the bloody world (i know, my childhood is about New YOrk ;)) ), so remember that....but PLEASE know that if you must do other things to make more $$, this doesnt mean your photographer must be deserted or that your stories are less valuable..... we shall disappear Paul, it is the one unassailable truth and because of that we can only respond with this: to live as richly as possible within the frame of our own wobbly skin: give your children the life that I see inside your photographs, and they will fucking forever be greatful!.... don't hang your head or give up, just breathe and re-consider............. I send you a bottle of whiskey for medicinal purposes! :))))))) and remember what Rilke wrote in Sonnets to Orpheus: II, 12 Aspire to transform. O enraptured be by the fire wherein something elusive flames with brazen tidings of change; that generative spirit, master of earth and all therein, holds nothing dearer than the pivot point of the evolving image. The mantle of conservatism is of itself a shroud; who could be truly secure beneath those folds of gray? Beware, from afar the hardest warns the hard aloud. An absent hammer swings high : --wehe. . . Who pours forth like a spring is by knowledge herself known. She leads him enthralled through the benign creation which often ends in beginning and in beginnings ends. Every astonishing space of joy through which they roam is child or grandchild of separation. Daphne in mutation, changing to laurel, requires your transformation into wind. II, 29 Silent friend of many distances, feel how space dilates with each breath of yours. Among the rafters of dark belfries peal your own sweet tones. Your predators will grow strong upon such fare. Know transformation in its varied sign. Which experience produces most despair? If drinking offend, transform yourself to wine. Be, in this immensity of night, the magic force at your sense's crossroad; the purpose of their mysterious plan. And though you fade from earthly sight, declare to the silent earth: I flow. To the rushing water say: I am

One thing that might take some financial pressure off your back is if you move out of New York. I left Paris last year for Rouen (Capital of Normandy) and have never been happier since - Affordable rent, pleasant pace of life, countryside and sea nearby, yet everything you need from a city at your fingertips - Besides Paris is only about an hour away by train! This is less than what some suburban commuters do. Rouen might not have the wealth of street photography opportunities as Paris but it makes for a much better life on a day to day basis and it's affordable. I feel its a place where I can settle. In Paris you are pretty much a nobody as the place is so big and changing constantly. Is there nowhere cheaper that you can move to but with good access to the big smoke? If obliged to pick up another job, try and keep it part time and/or photography related. Teaching can be a good option, it's better than a desk job, more interesting, I did it for a number of years. I ran into financial problems a couple of times in the past few years, which made me think I'd better change careers if I wanted to make a living but the whole exercise made me hopelessly depressed and it was one of the harder times of my life. The photography bug has a strong bite in my case and its basically what I'm here for and there's no way of getting away from it for long, one just has to find ways for coping! I shoot conferences, press assignments, events and am trying to get into weddings with my new website www.andrewphotos.com for bread and butter income which is all a far cry from my first love - travel-documentary-street photography but I'd much rather do this than a completely different job as I am my own boss and can manage my time and have some freedom. This can be taken for granted all too quickly until you have the shackles in place. (My cousin in law died of a brain aneurism last year, probably due to stress, he had a lot of responsibility, was earning a lot of money and due to retire in 4 months at 55. He has now left a wife and three daughters the youngest aged 11. It's a shame really) By looking at the way you shoot you'll be able to identify the type of "bread and butter" work you could do well and not hate too much: In your case I reckon it would be working for a newswire, wedding photojournalism, corporate reportage - anything which requires the skills of a street photographer- someone who sees and shoots. I have some friends who are full time staff photographers-editors at Unesco and Bloomberg News but they are either bored shitless or completely stressed out. I'm happier earning less (for now anyway) and steering my boat where I want it to go. At least this way of life builds creativity and adaptability. Hope this helps.

You know, some of the best photographs on your site and blog are your happy kids. You can't be doing much wrong if you are getting shots like that.

It's when your back is to the wall that another door opens. Not necessarily the one you expect either. Now is exactly when you shouldn't give up. Just keep doing the simple things well. The money will come. Your family love you for who you are.

Paul, love your work. The world needs more good photo editors, bite the bullet and become one, at least then you can influence what everyone else is seeing and help a few of your fellow Light Stalkers out!

Paul, I share in your feelings. It's a field that pays little, with lots of hours, ass kissing, and little far too little show, so lrod forbid if I had kids, or I'd sink. Best wishes in future endeavors, mate..

I am utterly moved to tears by all above.

Bob, how do you do that? How do you spill out such words, such free flow of thought? Quite dazzling.

I thank you all for your support.

I'm a thick and stubborn numbskull sometimes and I will stick with my photography. No two ways about it. Whatever I end up doing. If I stop I'll die. Really. However, I really feel I ought to be able to make a living at it. Why the hell shouldn't I? I see shooters out there managing to do it so why can't I?
I'm looking at weddings and trying to seek out PR events and the like. I find this kind of work relatively easy to do and do well. I need to establish regular clients and keep them.

Many have told me to consider teaching. I'm just not sure how to go about it but will absolutley explore this. I enjoy teaching my sons how to see and notice life's simple pleasures. One day we were sitting near a tree on the cold damp ground watching leaves falling. It was entirely thrilling. Folks thought I was nuts. They just didn't get it. My boys are so full of curiosity as am I. I have always been.

To address some of the responses above; my life is complex, for sure, but I live it simply. We have a mortgage which Claire pays. We have daycare which I pay (when I can, otherwise I owe it). I prepare a good meal most eveings and we all eat and talk together. We have only basic cable (which is free) so that Claire and I can watch C-Span. The lads have no-idea what commercial tv is as they don't watch it. Some PBS and good quality DVD's like Wallace and Grommit and the like. There are no computer games in our house only those available at PBSkids.org and similar. As regards toys, they are happiest with crayons, markers and Lego. Story books and pictures are where it's at in our house. Our only extravagances are a bottle of wine and some beer at the weekends and good piza on a Friday night and swimming classes for the boys (which are expensive but swimming is a crucial life skill and makes their lungs big and strong).

The reason for my dark mood and post above is because Claire and I really want our lads to go to a good private school (there are few, if any, available public schools of the calibre we seek). That is simply the one thing we want to get right. There is pressure here because Eoin is a special needs youngster. His imagination is off the scales. He has a huge vocabulary and an insatiable appetite for information on everything. It can be exhausting. He can concentrate for hours and hours and it can be extremely difficult to get him to stop what he is doing when needs be. As a result of this he has difficulty socializing with his peers. He's adorable and extremely funny around adults but kids his age freak him out a little. It's tough going. His little brother is a whole different ball game and his childhood will likely be much easier.

I want to be able to use my talents and chosen profession to best provide for my wee lad. There are several schools very keen on Eoin but we are on waiting lists because of our need for financial assistance and that is a killer. Claire makes a very good salery but she needs my help and I must find a way.

This city is what a lot of my photography is all about. I'm not finished with it yet, damn it. I wish I were but it's more complicated than that. We are here because it's a great place to bring up a family. It is the life we have now and we must make it work. I must make it work. Somehow. We are here because of me, ultimately and that is a big responsiblity. I want to face it. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Love it. And make it work. I need to get clever and stratigize my way to financial stability. I don't care about fame or fortune and such like. I merely seek stability and a means to live and provide for myself and my wee crew. And I want to do it making photographs. But maybe I can't?

Paul, i'm sure you will find photo work to support you and your crew, just keep on going!! And thank you very much for the honesty ,of everyone, this is one of the most beautifful posts i have seen here. Thank you all,

Paul I had a feeling it came down to education for the kids. Let me just say this: I grew up in NYC and am a product of the public school system. The education had its ups and downs but overall I am quite glad my parents made that decision instead of sending me to private school, which would have been a mistake in my case without a doubt. In your district you may well find that the local schools are perfectly fine -- at least for the meantime until such time as you can afford better. As for Eoin's special needs -- hang tight, you may well wrangle a deal. this past year was very tough for us down here too, and we have decided to move to the campo, try to get a place of our own eventually, and start thinking more providentially about our future. This has meant a temporary disruption in Emily's schooling -- she was enrolled in a very good school here (public unfortunately is not an option), but we had to take her out and send her to the campo where her school is dismally inadequate (though well meaning). That will change again next year when we can enroll her in the good school there, but inthe meanwhile her development will be affected somewhat by the meagre offerings of her current school. No big deal, she is benefitting in other ways, and she will catch up next year. we dont beat ourselves up over it and nor should you, if you come to the point where you might have to make some compromises vis a vis your your childrens's current education situation. Parents, especially in NYC, I well remember it, obsess far too much over the accoutrements of education and forget that the natural curiousity of a child requires very little more than natural stimuli to aid in the development of the child. My basic stimulus when I was a kid had nothing whatsoever to do with the school environment -- it was my father's enormous library. My own daughter's stimulus appears to be more visual than verbal, so we supply her with endless reams of paper and pens, brushes, pencils, crayons, etc. The dream of public education is an important one and should be supported in each community by the parents. If I were you I would look into this option seriously and not worry too much about private schooling. The love and attention you lavish on your kids is more than enough to compensate for any putative advantages of private schooling -- which in fact may be more chimerical than you suppose. Review your options, consider your priorities, take time now to reflect rather than make a rash decision. I will PM you with some suggestions about teaching and other options when I get a chance.

Paul, you have some very good advices here. I wish you energy and and love! take care.. Stefan

So sadly real. Bob's words are magnificently heart hitting.Like others have said ,nothing so close to the quick here or anywhere on the net( such a cold, emotionless empty place). i know how you feel. It takes a brave man to put up his inner feelings in public.Your love of your kids and photography scream volumes in the midst of so much drivel. I also thought that getting out of New York may have been the solution.Anyway, I wish you a happy future however it turns out. Whilst thinking about this post a song by Peter Gabriel kept running through my head, so that's all I have to give . "Don't Give Up" in this proud land we grew up strong we were wanted all along I was taught to fight, taught to win I never thought I could fail no fight left or so it seems I am a man whose dreams have all deserted I've changed my face, I've changed my name but no one wants you when you lose don't give up 'cos you have friends don't give up you're not beaten yet don't give up I know you can make it good though I saw it all around never thought I could be affected thought that we'd be the last to go it is so strange the way things turn drove the night toward my home the place that I was born, on the lakeside as daylight broke, I saw the earth the trees had burned down to the ground don't give up you still have us don't give up we don't need much of anything don't give up 'cause somewhere there's a place where we belong rest your head you worry too much it's going to be alright when times get rough you can fall back on us don't give up please don't give up 'got to walk out of here I can't take anymore going to stand on that bridge keep my eyes down below whatever may come and whatever may go that river's flowing that river's flowing moved on to another town tried hard to settle down for every job, so many men so many men no-one needs don't give up 'cause you have friends don't give up you're not the only one don't give up no reason to be ashamed don't give up you still have us don't give up now we're proud of who you are don't give up you know it's never been easy don't give up 'cause I believe there's a place there's a place where we belong words:copyright Peter Gabriel

Don't give up man. It seems you won't. Maybe get a J-O-B for a bit to bring some funds in while you recharge for the next adventure. Sometimes a walk amongst the masses w/o a camera can be a good experience. Gather some new insight, and then go back to shooting with the new knowledge and understanding gained. Unfortunately, any gig paying 60 grand a year in NYC is going to require either a bit of ass kissing, or some mad skills. I do think you would be good at doing weddings. There is some damn good money in that too. It looks like it can be quite as fun to boot, with lot's of potential for getting the funny stuff you tend to gravitate towards. That season is fast approaching, so maybe get a second shooter kinda gig until you can work up all the marketing and networking avenues. Good luck. Hang in there man.

I don't know what schools are like in the US, but I can tell you about family friends here in the UK (where people also worry constantly about there child getting the best education). The family had two kids, a boy and a girl who was two years younger than her brother. When the boy started to school they were building up their business so he went to state school (public school as it is known in the US), by the time the daughter started to school they decided to send her to private school because they could now afford it. The boy had the option to go to private school at that stage too, but had made lots of friend and was getting on well (despite having dyslexia). The boy eventually gained nine O'levels and four A levels and went on to study law at a very good university; he spent time working as a lawyer (including two years in New York as part of an exchange programme for prospective partners), before setting up his own successful company. Despite the many thousand spent on her education, the girl wasn't encouraged to work hard and gain the most from what her school had to offer, she left school aged 16 with three O'levels to her name, she bummed around in various office jobs until finally ending up working for her brother as his receptionist. The point I'm trying to make is that success usually has more to do with how kids apply themselves and the parental support they get, rather than the school they go to. I went to an average state school, I did OK, but several of my class mates went on to top universities. One guy went to Cambridge to study both Philosophy and Medicine, the difference between him and me is that he was more intelligent AND he applied himself and had more parental support. It sound like you have bright kids and that you and your wife give them a lot of time, love and support. I think you are already giving them everything they need to succeed in life.

Hi Paul Your thread has really resonated and struck an emotional note with me. I was a freelance pj and lived in the mid east for many years before deciding to go back to school and study something that is totally new and different than photojournalism. I can really relate to the financial difficulties of making ends meet as a pj, and having no kids, cannot even fathom that! I think a lot of people have brought up some excellent points here. Either by having a part-time job (teaching, possibly editing) and shooting on the side or a full time job knowng that this is the next chapter of life and who knows what that might bring a few years down the line. I think Jon brought up some great points having gone through the public school system in nyc, and even have heard that there are some great public schools-the science high school in the bronx and the high school for performing arts. And above all-especially after reading your second note-the best most important education is the one that comes from the home and the parents. Life has a funny way of connecting all of the dots along the way. I went back to school to become a nurse and that has a lot to do with nurses that took care of my mom who had cancer many years ago. I guess I had this thought to try this in the back of my mind-they were all great and loved what they did. But I defintely had to take a hard look at my financial situation and making ends meet-and that factored into my decision. It has been tough being back in school full time and not shooting, and I do at times think that once I get out I could be a travelling nurse and do some documentary work on the side. I have had to put photographing on the side, but no way feel that I am completely done with it- it is in the blood! This is just the point at where I am in life, right now. Anyway, I want to wish you the best of luck and hope that you will keep on shooting, either on the side or if you go back to a job full time-that might lead to something new and different, photographically, in a few years time. Sharon

Paul, I hear you man; a couple of years after our first son was born we felt we had to leave NY for the same reasons you feel the need to find work elsewhere, we had met in williamsburg and developed a wonderful circle of friends there, to leave was excrutiatingly painful. It worked though... we now have another son and we manage to pay the bills and go to NY to visit friends every now and again and we both do what we love. I wish you the best of luck and am certain that you will find a way. Cheers, Adam

Paul, a hug to the distance. Salud hermano

paul. i am too young compared to you people...but i want to share something with you, i dont know why, but i just want to... when i was a student (not long ago) i couldn't afford films and other costs all the time...so i couldn't shoot whenever i wanted or the way i wanted. few months back i managed to exchange my film setup (not a very small one) for a almost point and shoot digi cam...so that i dont have to think about the extra costs... now i am woking 6 days a week.and i dont have time to shoot.i am not happy at all... bro...we asian people are too emotional...i donno know why but i felt your pain ryte when i clicked on the topic...even before it appeared on the screen... best wishes... shafqat

Paul, this has turned out to be a wonderful thread because you started to bare yourself. Since I am not a parent, so I won't be able to advice you with an experience, but have you possibly considered home-schooling? At the moment, in order to supplement my income, I started teaching Japanese to young people. My students range in age from ten to 16. Two of them are home-schooled children. Their mother has been teaching them with additional teachers she hires. She is a professional violinist and she is married, but she has a flexible schedule, so she takes her 12 and 10 year-olds along wherever she has to teach or play. This could be a solution for you since it looks like you are willing to try wedding photography which tends to be on weekends when your wife can look after the kids. You can continue to shoot what you like to shoot during the week as well as teaching your children. If you are interested in looking into the home-schooling possibility and would like to know how one supplements their education with socializing opportunities, please PM me. I can get info for you from my students' parent. This morning I met another home-schooling parent at a coffee house where I taught the kids, and this second home-schooling parent told me that her son is 16. She seems to know a lot of home-schooled children in a particular neighborhood in Baltimore.

Hang in there Paul, things will get better. There aren't many rules to being a photographer, do what you have to do to pay the bills but never lose sight of the reasons you started pushing that shutter button, you've got talent. Love and best wishes, Liam

Paul, find what makes you happy and success will come to you. Don't give up.

I was in the same place a couple years ago 2 kids no money. A couple things that have worked for me are 1 teaching part time I teach 1 day a week at a local univeristy and make a bit it also gives me access to equip, cheap assistants, and net working. The second thing I did was weddings I know it seems like a bad thing to do, but it's really not what you think and the money is pretty great for work that is almost always just on saturdays. I joined the www.wpja.com and get lots of hip brides who really want what I do. Those tp things have really saved me, from throwing in the towel and getting a real job. (if you want to see my wedding stuff it www.weddings.dougphoto.com)

Never give up photography Paul, change track ( direction ) I am in the same postion with only one child, to chase work as a freelancer when you have to bring home a certain amount of money each week to feed your family, is becoming increasingly difficult. Like you I find cold calling ( what an appropiate word ) editors etc difficult, I don't like licking arse as many photographers do,and the amount of work availible in my part of the world is decreasing all the time,combined with new young photographers who think it is O.K. to do work for next to nothing,hence lowering the rates,you have to ask is it worth it? Weddings, yeah I know we all cringe about doing them,but have to agree with Doug,they can save your arse money wise,and if people except you shoot them in your style,not such a bad thing. Your a great photographer Paul,and you are NOT the only photographer to have simular problems,I hope more L.S. members can help you in this situation,L.S. is about people so lets help each other. Maybe a move back to the U.K.?

Well this all rings true around the world....we all feel and hear what you're saying Paul. I can't comment on the stress of supporting kids, all i know is it's a daily torment wondering where the next job is coming and how to meet the rent. I just believe in my heart of hearts we have to endure. I've come to photography from an enormously stressful and well paid corporate job and i know i can't go back there.....it will kill me, my spirit, cell by cell, bit by fucking bit. The upside of photography is that it allows me greater freedom in all other areas of my life. Don't know if it's any help but I found amazing solace and direction for my life in reading the Meditations by Marcus Aurielus. Also, don't know if it is an option for you, but some months i make as much money online stock trading as i do taking photos....just start buying into the China and Indian markets. Just stick with it mate, one deep breath, on and on. We're doing it in spirit with you all over the world. Bon courage Paul!

Paul its a challenging field which needs this kind of ideas and support from pros in LS, I am paying school fees for our two girls and a relative, I must admit it's not a bed of roses but thinking and walking photography! I just don't think you should say good bye. Again you know you life better than we do, but mate it's a fools mind which doesn't change, try other avenues and don't leave you equipments behind! Regards, Felix

Hi, Paul, its may be timne for you change your line of action for the better future of your juniors. But photography, you simply cant keep a side. it may not be your primary earning source in other avenues, but images are part and parcel of a photographer. i hope to to see you in more framed way in future. i a novice in this profession, though one thing i alos came to know by these years that,without economic stability its hard to fight the odd hurdles. if you are happy after some time with economic stability,let photography be a part time one.... My best wishes for your new career!!!!

Hi, Paul, its may be time for you change your line of action for the better future of your juniors. But photography, you simply cant keep a side. it may not be your primary earning source in other avenues, but images are part and parcel of a photographer. i hope to to see you in more framed way in future. i am a novice in this profession, though one thing i also understood by these years that,without economic stability its hard to fight the odd hurdles, where people who are rolling the game, very few of them understand our efforts. if you are happy after some time with economic stability,let photography be a part time one.... My best wishes for your new career!!!!

I kind of think we all feel the pain I have daughter a wife who works to support me ahh I wont even begin Its not the story .Look day after day i see these posts and well this post has bought out the fact we are all strugling making loved ones lives hard But $60,000 a year Ive never made that much in a year and thats your min. Lifes hard sorry but i am feeling you are becoming the martyr everyone has felt and look how positive everyones post here is DO IT But dont blame your lack of ass licking ability or your lack of buisness thats not Photography get a job that gives you time cut your costs its a battle

Paul, I don't know you, your life, your background and wouldn't dare to tell you what to do but... you have apparently learned about Macs, PCs, digital imaging, making books, Flash and God knows what else. Why not try to learn something about basic marketing skills? A few books, some evening classes, talking to people who's job it is... Selling yourself is not always a question of schmooze and kissing arse. Photography is a commerce and a tough one at that. Almost everything is commerce, in fact. That's just the way it is. We get confused about this, largely because we are passionate and far too emotionally involved with what we are trying to sell to keep the distance required to even begin to sell it well (me included, by the way). You seem confident about your skills as a photographer which strikes me as being a very good starting point to get working on what you are not so good at and probably, at the moment, excites you far less than what you have already managed to learn.

Caminante, no hay camino. Se hace camino al andar. Don't give up, Paul! I just broke my foot and am in the middle of survival as a professional photographer too. Like many of us, I find myself from time to time in the same situation you are facing right now. I then start thinking about doing little jobs on the side, becoming a postmen even! But I simply cannot give up my "slow" photography, long-term photo projects I love to make, which requires all my time and effort. But remember this: when I was really down and out, something unexpected always happened! I suddenly won a prestigious prize or had my best idea ever for a new project! So give yourself a break, don't loose faith in yourself or your talent and draw a plan from the bottom of the well. From there, you can only go one way: up! Rosa

Your very excellent work makes me wonder if you can't get it going, who could? Just how much luck and networking is required anyway?? I suppose that's a dumb question.

Then... there is nothing wrong with placing photography or anything else on a shelf for a while. I gave up my art for a decade and climbed trees(treesurgeon), laboured as a stonemason/landscaper gave all that up and taught and wrote books in Asia, did a bit of art when time permitted. Came back and got stuck into photography, got bored with the commercial crap so now it is a bit of photography, some art, some teaching(pays well enough for me). Sacrificed this year of exhibiting work to build a new kitchen.......... the saga contiues,tomorrow ,well who knows but there will be food on the table and a home of laughter Being away from all the photo/art stuff is important as well... learning to grow and survive in other directions, stretches the soul

Food for thought, go away and come back refreshed.

Paul, non of us are any better then you are right now, we are all going through what you are going through some different stages. Hang in there keep your chin up, do take some time off to reflect just don't quite persue your dreams, don't make it final, we are all in the same boat brother. Don't give up the good fight is when you win the war Raffi

I see that everybody has a kind word to tell Paul, and somebody even brought up the 'marketing' issue. How about giving him, and all of us some good tips on that. Might be more useful than 'oh, you, poor Paul' thing. He obviously can use some good tips, as well as me, as well as maybe, many of us.

Spot on G.. Thank you.

Hej, Paul, you're welcome! Never give up your passion. No way. So, good LS people, if you really want to help, let's start talking about good marketing tips. Paul, if that's what can help you don't hesitate to ask. you make sure to keep photography as a second hand option, but you don't give it up! ok?

I've not had a opportunity to respond in person to each of you as I'd have liked because my mother in law is in town and so our schedule has been very full, including a night at the opera which was a very special treat. I'd not been to an opera in 13 years. Wonderful costumes, extraordinary singing and exquisite sets but the orchestral passeges were the highlight for me. Alltogether it was a tremendous load of nonsense. I think I was the only one of our party to enjoy it as pure unadulterated comedy.
Now back to more serious concerns. I think a tutorial on marketing could be a very good idea. I will do a lot of reading on this and endeavor to put something together. I've always been good at making suggestions to people but have difficulty enacting on such for myself. I need to work on this very seriously.

Now, here is my situation more precisely, I don't really want to "take time out" or "change direction" if I can avoid it as I've just been out of the fray for the best part of two years already looking after my kids. The main reason I took time out was because I was already having a tough time making ends meet.

After reading this post and spending some late nights seriously thinking about my life and wants, I am beginning to form a strategy for the coming months. First up, I will not be rejoining NPPA but rather will sign up with ASMP. I've contacted the New York folks and allthough I cannot find a sponsor, upon looking at my folio they said it was not an issue and that they would help promote my inclusion when my application is sent to the national office. So I plan to attend their seminars and workshops and become active where possible. I will also sign up with Nikon Professional Services and try to get some of my work featured in Nikon publications. I'm sure I have some material that Nikon would like access to.

I also have a business partner with whom I'm trying to break into the wedding business. We want to take Manhattan by storm. This is a very new venture for us but he has 20+ years experience in New York. However, he wants to go digital and needs my expertise here. Besides, he no longer has the energy to do it alone. So we are hoping to be a dynamic duo. We shot 4 weddings thus far and split everything down the middle.

I will be pushing my archive hard this year as well. I'm in the process right now of preparing an initial submission to Alamy since several LS members are happy with them. I sent a disk in December but it failed on technical grounds. I had interpolated my images using ReSize Pro and they were not to Alamy's satisfaction. I will try General Fractals also but it seems to me that the simple PS feature works just fine.

I will post from time to time if my strategy starts paying off such that we can all learn and compare notes.

A little teaching and part-time editing would also help along the way and that is something I will try to embrace. I may even play with putting images on t-shirts and mugs and that sort of thing. But podcasting might be something to learn about too. If I can find some folks to enjoy some simple photo podcasts they might be tempted to buy a book or print as well.

What would be most excellent though, would be to find a way to charge a nominal amout to download a podcast. A few cents/pennies at time. We should all look into this. I'm sure there is a site we can all put together where people could pay to download multimedia slideshows much like iTunes but exclusively photography. Hmmm! Might I just be getting excited about photography again?

Let's keep talking about this.

talking about marketing...my god...you are teaming with ideas... go ahead ... i think many of us will be benifited from yopu ideas... best wishes

Hey, Paul. I sympathize with your plight. Making a living out of photography is just so difficult for most people nowadays. Me, I'm shooting weddings on weekends as second/candid photographer. I was a bit ashamed of what I consider a steep demotion when I got here from an established photojournalist in my home country, but what can I do, I gotta make a living. I learned to accept it, but I'm still not in love with it, and I curse my fate when the bride's a bridezilla or a nincompoomp logistically (as when the main photog and myself start shooting the prep at her home and travel 60 or so miles to the church and then so many miles again to a park and then to the reception place). On the other hand, in my free time (a lot) I keep doing what I love which is street photography, out of which I have yet to make a cent. Someday we'll catch our big break, let's hope sometime before we expire. The key is to keep that camera and keep on shooting --- and discussing potential ventures for everyone here in LS. I'll be lurking around. Cheers!

Paul, on the purely practical side, have you thought of moving out of the city? I wouldnt suggest Long Island or Westchester;you'll have the same cost of living issues there that you have in the city; but there's plenty of urban landscape in New Jersey and homes are less expensive in Putnam, Dutchess, and Orange Counties; there are also private schools you can send your kids to. And you will be close enough to the city to continue in photography.

I take your point Akaky. However, we live in Inwood in northernmost Manhattan and we own our apartment. My wife made some money on selling her flat in London which allowed us to make a big down payment on our place here. The mortgage is steep but no more than what a house would cost out in the sticks. We love where we are as we have copious green space and good neighbors here. Claire pays the mortgage and we have good health care from the VA where Clarie works so the big issue for us is schooling. There are important reasons why we live here. We have short commutes which allows for extended family time. We have green space across the street and a superb nature center with brilliant park rangers right on our door step. We have easy access to all the best museums and gardens and the Natural History Museum. Mostly, where we are allows for so much time together and that is so crucial for us. I all other respects we keep our expenses as low as possible from energy consumtion to quality produce which comes from our local year rond farmers market. If we lived out in the burbs we would need a biiger house, use far more energy and need a more expensive car. Ultimately, we would have less time together. It is possible to live quite well and inexpensively in the city. We do. Our quality of life is quite excellent. We have all the facilities we need immediately to hand. We use very little gasoline/petrol, get lots of exercise and eat locally grown food. Our electricity and gas bills are very low and the main expenses are mortgage and maintenance. If you think about it, city living is substantially less energy intensive than living in the suburbs. But still, to be able to see our relatives overseas, to explore this country and its environemnts, and to school our younsters, I need to make good money. AND THAT IS WHAT I PLAN TO DO, DAMN IT! I'll find a way. I'll damn well find a way.

You're right about the car in the burbs, of course; in this neck of the woods mass transit is whatever car the Catholics use to get to church on Sunday. I'm sorry, I wish I had a more useful suggestion for you; while I respect the views of the folks above who've been telling you to hang on to your art no matter what, that dont feed the bulldog, as my father used to say; kids have to go to school and bills have to be paid and there's no getting around that.

I don't earn $60,000 a year neither, but I'm one of the lucky ones who can survive on a lot less, I have a small house in the country, haven't been to Eroupe in the past 10 years and can't afford to take vacations in Florida or the Bahamas in the winter. It's a lifestyle we have to choose. But I do get to meet a lot of interesting people and get to see a lot of places that are usually off limits to the general public. I don't think you giving up your photo career is a sign of Failure, I'm sure as I, you have meet a lot of interesting people and have a lot of good memories (and photos) that most people can only dream of. Best of Luck Paul in whatever you decide to do.

I have great faith in you, Paul, that you will find a way to do what you need and want, to keep you and your family whole. What I meant to say above is don't give up who you are and everything will come back to you in good time. Sometimes an artist needs to live life and not just create in order to achieve richer expressions. I have taken many detours in my life, good and bad, but not one life experience ever makes an artist less of an artist. You will keep your mind's eye open and you will never lose what makes you whole. No matter what you do, you will never cease being an artist because that is who you are. Time will adjust to your needs. Good luck and glad that you are not leaving LS.

Paul, don’t quit unless you really want to! Keep your photography in mind as long as possible, if it is the thing you really love doing. I also suffer from lack of money and I don´t live only from the money, I earn with my photography. There are times when I hardly do any photography. I use these times, when I feel burned out, and have no ideas, for my money-jobs. Keep on going the best Rüdiger

I haven't been around for a while 'cos I have been harnessing every bit of my energy and money to get my long awaited exhibition off the ground. Its finally happening in April and I can not tell you how sad this post makes me. PAUL you simply cannot give up, pack it in, change directions. Your work is a finely honed blade of wit and subtlety that takes practice and insight and lots of shooting to perfect. It has cheered me enormously in times when I have indeed felt bereft 'cos of the pain that I see around me and the indifference that people feel to another's plight. Your work has sung out with joy to me in some of those moments. Now this might be too much information but I would give just about anything to see my Dad alive and laughing again. He had an incisive wit just like yours Paul and he had a special way of making everyone feel 'cos he had this great love called journalism that when he was doing it made him happy. But he gave it up so his kids could go to good schools and he could buy a bigger house and he went into management and he died when he was 64 of cancer. I would have really liked for him to be here to see this exhibition. Its about Aboriginal Australia and he was the one that taught me to treasure people and life more than things. When I got sent to my expensive private school what I got taught was to treasure material status more. You are the best education that money can buy for your kids. They don't need all the trappings. Maybe you can market your stuff a bit better or find a cheap place in the country. Thats what I am going to be doing later this year. I think you need to have faith in your own voice and vision as well. I mean what makes certain people more financially solvent than others is providing images that some person who has been given the job of choosing those images wants to see. Some of this exhibition work was up for selection for a really big public show as well but it didn't get selected 'cos it wasn't what the government wanted to project. Will I sell any of the images in the exhibition? Doubtful 'cos people don't want to see the photographs that I have. Is it going to stop me sinking everything I have into it? NO! Why? 'Cos my Dad always said 'You have to give it your best shot, if you don't try you'll always die wondering' If the people around you don't understand that or get sick of it it can be incredibly difficult. But I think if people really care then they care about your vision just as much and are proud of that more than what you can give them materially. Anyway that's enough of a rave. What bothers me about this post as well is the fact so many of us are in dire positions. I think we need to address this decline in payment for images/imagery. I mean these big MEDIA companies certainly can afford fulltime picture desk staff/marketing managers/er, fashionable types (who well er, what do they do again?) 'COS THEIR SHARES ARE WORTH A BUNDLE SO THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVE THE RESOURCES. So if its bad everywhere in the world just who the hell is making the money? Anyone up for starting a new thread on that one?

Lisa, you have in my humble opinion, just hit every important nail smack bang on its head. I second those emotions and thoughts. With all these posts mirroring each other the thing that struck me hardest was; how the hell can all these decent sensitive humans find ourselves in this spot? I know we cant practise price collusion but if we are not making living wages (bearing in mind the cost of our kit alone) then it is all of our obligation and duty to try and force prices up in our respective markets. It may take time, but the decision makers that be will eventually come back for quality. My experience has been that explaining why i have to charge what i do invariably results in a commission as it empowers the commissioner to justify why they have to part with X++ dollars rather than just X.

Dear Paul really thank youfor your honnest email. I think apart of how u d react ,your email was a chance for me to understand why the LS forum is usefull and deeply feel there are some really good brains here . thanxx again and good luck NIKOS

Just an update for those that might be interested. I'm back in the game. It's still a struggle but it's doable. We have managed to get our oldest son into a terrific new small community public school in our hood and his little brother will follow him. This takes away a lot of financial pressure. I will use the experience I have gathered looking after my two lads in my involvement with the school. I will work with the youngsters on some art and observation exercises over the coming years and perhaps this will also help me in my career. Living in Manhattan is the best option for me. I belong on the streets. It's where I make my best work. Our living expenses are substantially lower than they would be in the burbs, for sure. We live efficiently but well. I have just about enough gear to make good work and I'm getting better at hustling for those few gigs. Previously I used to get depressed at not being able to afford the gear I thought I needed. The Pocket Wizards, the ultra fast zooms, the up to date speedlites, a MacBook Pro, a drum scanner, a motorcycle blaa blaa blaa. Now I just get on with it with my one D200, my old primes, my battered Tokina zooms, my old speedlites, my old slaves that don't always work and so my pc extension cords (which sometimes have to be Photoshopped out). I use gaffers tape instead of lightstands to tape my flash units to chair legs etc.. And you know what? It all works just fine. Much of what I thought I needed to get to compete, I don't in actual fact need. I can get by just fine with what I have. Battered and all as it is. There's a certain zenness to all this working to a minimum. If anything, I will cut back even more on my gear. I'll give up the dream, for now, of that Leica M8 I lusted after. I'll hold off on the computer upgrade for a couple of years and just get more external hard disks and a dvd burner and I'll try and sell more posters of my work. They are more affordable and easy to prepare. So, a huge thank you to all of who responded in my hour of extreme darkness. It's getting brighter. I hope that my experiences can inform others who may find themselves in similar moments of utter depression and perceived isolation. It's a very lonely place.

One step at a time. Right?

Paul, it's really good to hear your optimism and shift in perspective..you've got the 'can do' back in your words. Since this initial post, I have indeed learned firsthand of the challenges of staying solvent and positive..and I am beginning to agree that it is worth the time investment to have a little something that guarantees a bit of income, as it takes the edge off. Sounds like you have found a good balance for the family, and have had some liberating thoughts about the gear issue.. bravo!

Good on ya, man.

Then there's hope?

What else is there, J-F? What else?

there's Crosby

Paul, I hear you my brother. Akaky: what about Stills, Nash and Young? ;)

dead weight; Bing didnt need them

I'm happy to hear this Paul. That isolation and depression thing is a dark place. Get out on the streets and do what you love. Best wishes Paul

Paul, I was certainly glad and relieved to read that you and your wife found a public school alternative for your son. In big cities in the US, public school education is a problem. Middle class parents choosing to live in cities are sending their children to private school, thus straining their financial burden.

Paul, I remember my heart breaking when I read your first post here earlier this year. I'm delighted that you've gotten your head around it all. Rock on!

Yeah...that's great news, Paul. Like Dave, I found the initial post heartbreaking.

It seems that not having every toy and tool you desire for photography has made you a smart and resourceful photographer, no sense in changing that...Lean & mean !!!

Way to go Paul! Resourcefulness is the most important tool in your camera bag, right after the light-tight box. I'm really happy for you and your family.

oh...and what a time to get sucha good news.. hopefully it will give me more strength...:) best wishes paul... :D

Hi friends, This is really a very informative and enriching thread on LS. I am a freelance photographer who is engaged in a day job of software engineering for money purpose. Software engineering as a job pays sufficient to live lavishly but takes away from one all personal times. So I may blindly buy a costly gear but cannot think of an opportunity to use it. Many a time it has happened that I planned for being present in an event to shoot but had to abandon it as my project does not allow me a long leave. Now am desparately looking for other options for a day job, may be teaching computer science in a college (I have to, since I have a huge home loan to repay). But there is also a hurdle to overcome - not many people is ready to buy it that you will quit a lucrative job just for the crazy idea of doing photography, at least in my part of the world. At times I am experiencing nervous breakdown out of frustration and despair; getting severely irritated and losing my good humour. However this thread gives me new strength to fight back. I am really feeling the warmth of being in a community that is so open, cooperative and friendly. Lets hope for the best and Paul congrats for your new begining. Regards Santanu

Stellar, back in the Game ! Congrats on the shift in your world. I couldn't be happier for you Paul. Adelante ! Oscar

Congratulation, Paul. Life just didn´t let you fade away! Ruediger

Paul, I can not relate to your life in the USA....I have never even been there! But, what I can say, and I hope this helps you, is that we are all responsible for "making our own rain". What keeps me going is the proposal to A, that plan B, another proposal to C...and so on. We are creative people who have to "create"....not wait for assignments to come, but create ideas, sell the ideas to people who CAN'T create. My suggestion is similar to Erica's. Get positive about yourself. Plan 5 long-term shoots/features and 5 shorter ones. Work at 10 projects that are close to your heart and also issues that may sell. That's difficult to define/ID...but do it! Shoot, sell, be happy. Shoot some more!!!! Contribute to a poor-of-soul society. Amen.

I think it was David Alan Harvey who once said he uses the MINIMUM equipment.... Yes Paul, we are conditioned by society that we NEED this and that. Which is total nonsense. We NEED love...but can get along with pretty much just the basics.

"Poor-of-soul society", that's most thought provoking. I should dwell on that over some quality Guinness. I'm thinking an LS get together again sometime soon. There's much to talk about. This thread has shaken my life up some and my outlook on same. And it appears it has done similar for others here too. I'm so extremely grateful for your precious words of wisdom and experience folks. Life is a tough slog, isn't it? But we're all in it together. A thread today asked pessimist or optimist, today I say optimist. The internet's ability for all of us to communicate, share and compare experiences, makes me optimistic.

before digital it was much easier to use minimal equipment. in 2001 i had my main cameras and a cheap computer that i built myself and all i did was interenet research and emails. then came the scanner, next a digital camera, and a new computer to manage all the data, then a new camera, and the cycle continues about every 2-3 years. these days we (photographers) bear the brunt of the main expenses in photography and are dealing with clients who for the most part dont want to pay for that added expense as well as dealing with other photographers who are willing to work for little to no money. not a great way to be. on a side note, there was a story on National Public Radio today about a family who started selling photographs of "letters in nature" that they arange into people's names. last year their sales were 10 million $ ...makes you think...

I use minimal digital: 1 X 20D, 1 X Macbook. The clients are happy with the pics and never ask what camera you use. It must be said I only do editorial, events, corporate and weddings. Not fashion or high end studio. Even with the 10D the clients loved the pics and I could have very nice enlargements made from the files. I think people need to stop getting so excited about the new gear that keeps coming on the market. A lot of really excellent photographers use battered old gear, and dodgy old computers, but, they have an eye, something I've yet to see for sale anywhere...even on the internet. I guess you can develop it if you work hard and take a real interest in creating, taking pictures rather than browsing dpreview camera reviews or online camera shops. I've wasted enough time doing that myself to know!

Andrew, Showing up for an assignment with one digital camera and no backup is a dangerous thing to do. I believe that part of being a professional is being able to get the job done right 100% of the time. That does not allow for excuses when a digital camera decides not to work. That said, you are right, we don't need the newest gadgets to get the jobs done, having one 20D and a backup rebel or 10D would be fine. As for computers, mine is 2 years old and it is begining to show. Or perhaps it is that the files that I deal with keep getting bigger so the computer seems slower. Happy Shooting To All.

I agree with you Aaron, for now I bring a backup film body with 5 or 10 rolls of neg film, having seen the cost of a 10D recently I have no excuses not to go out and get one. If your computer is slowing down there are certain adjustments you can make but you need to know what. Robert Goddyn explained to me that he is able to make the pics open twice as quick after tweaking his Mac. He is a helpful chap and am sure will explain if you ask him.

Thanks Andrew, But I think my computer issues are more about the fact that I am now dealing with 10 and 12 megapixel raw files instead of the 4 and 6 megapixel jpgs that I was when I bought the machine. Patience is a viture, especially when dealing wih computers.

Andrew, I agree: I have been thinking for a while now about starting a thread that goes something like 'are you bored with cameras?'. When you look at what David Alan Harvey did for National Geographic in Nairobi (amongst other places) with a Nikon D70, it kind of puts equipment lust into perspective. Some of my best printed tearsheets are from scans of 6x6 colour negs shot on an ancient Mamiya C220 and scanned with an Epson 3200... Paul, good to hear you are back at work and optimistic (optimistic photographers are good for us all :-) ). I'll be in NYC at the start of January and any form of get together then would be great...

I'm on for a jar or two anytime David. The only issue I have, equipment wise at the mo is my computer. Do I incur more debt to upgrade from my old iBook 700 so that I can handle the 10 mp raws more easilly, or do I simply buy more ext hard disks and a dvd burner? I also need a back up body and my D100 is gone. That was a mistake, it turns out, as the point and shoot I got in its stead is busted. My son knocked it out of my hands with a football. It makes for a great video clip though. I'll post it soon. I'm thinking to just keep adding to my iBook for now and maybe get a second D200 when I can. That way I can have a prime on each one and therefore give up the zooms. I have an SB 600 and wanted an SB 800 for the additional power but as I never use ttl with digital, my sb28 is perfect and the two together are brilliant. I would like that Tokina 17mm lens though. That would round me out perfectly for glass. Harvey's Kenyan pictures were stunning.

Paul - if in some way you can speed up the processing time of your files, it will save you money. I think John Harrington, in "Best Business Practices for Photographers" has some sort of calculation worked out for it - but when I went out last year and incurred debt to get a machine with 4GB of RAM my productivity rocketed - all because I was spending less time saving or transferring files! As for equipment. I've just got a 30D and 20D. The only reason I have the 30D is that I broke my 20D last year, and needed something else in a hurry - now I got a backup too. A pairing of a 5D for wides and a 40D for telephoto work would be nice, but it's not keeping me awake at night. After lugging some of my camera gear up mountains in Denali back in June (including my 100-400mm lens), I'm in awe of anyone who can carry a 1D anywhere. In fact, while I was out there, I did some character dragging along with a 1D and fixed 500mm. He was suspiciously close to the road tho...

I once acquired a second digital body in just the same way as you Dave, I managed to fry my 10D with a Vivitar 283 on the hotshoe! Was really annoyed at the time, cost me € 240 to fix. I think that the "deeper" aspects of creating strong imagery are harder to discuss in words than camera gear, that's why we are plagued by so many posts on camera, lenses, computers etc. Thanks for the info David about the Magnum photographer and his D70, it's more stories like this that people have to read. I've heard that a photographer: Frank Horvat, I think that is his name? shot a whole project with a mju II, a great little camera and really cheap even brand new!

paul,if you are strapped for cash and have a decent camera body andd lenses i would spend your hard earned on a good computer.0i am on the move pretty much permanently so find that having a good,reliable fast laptop is more invaluable than the latest all knobs on camera.after all,if you really know how to use one,you can get great results from pretty much anything.i still use almost dailly my mamiya 645,nikon f3 and minolta cle.they are all museum pieces,but built like tanks,and were top of the range back in the day.i reckon if they were good enough then they are good enough now.as for digital,i still use a d100 for gods sake.i have tried newer ones,but there is something about the tones and colours it produces that i love,and cant find on other digitals,so i will keep using it until the powers that be deem its pitiful file size to be totally unacceptable.i suppose what i am trying to say is its not the equipment that makes the photographer,its what you do with it.i shot an entire project once for the venice biennalle on a ricoh gr1,and i sold it.imagination,a bit of technical competence and the bollocks to have a personal vision will always win through mate,and you have no shortage of those.

Frank Horvat's work can be found here - www.horvatland.com He shot the project '1999' on the Mju II. I saw his recent retrospective exhibition and the prints from this series (from scanned film) looked just great. I went away from the show feeling pretty enthusiastic about photography... And, as far as budget equipment goes, there is still this - http://www.robgalbraith.com/bins/multi_page.asp?cid=7-6468-7844 I love his work (I think it's a fine example of what Michael said about bollocks and technical competence) although he seems to have done some work with his little Olympuses in such low light that it leaves me baffled as to how he managed to get the shots...